{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts","description":"The Conflict Resolution Wheel I\u2019ve always considered myself non-confrontational and I do my best to avoid conflict. In researching ways to teach kids conflict resolution skills, I\u2019ve discovered that avoidance is actually a choice on the "Conflict Resolution Wheel." I\u2019m primarily a \u201cwalk away\u201d or \u201cgo play with somebody else\u201d conflict resolver. And, perhaps because I try to \u201cuse kind words and a friendly voice\u201d most of the time, I\u2019m able to steer clear of many conflict situations. I know that my technique is not always the best way to resolve conflicts, nor has it worked in every situation, so I\u2019ve learned to \u201ctalk together & work it out\u201d with people in my life who are important to me. Because people aren\u2019t perfect and relationships are messy, we all need to learn how to better resolve conflicts. What kind of conflict resolver are you? What about your kids? How do they resolve conflicts? Over my three decades at camp working with thousands of kids and teens, I\u2019ve noticed that kids have become less and less adept at solving their own problems and conflicts. They are quick to involve adults and call other kids names (\u201cbully\u201d is a favorite). I think kids have become so accustomed to constant adult supervision that they are prone to seek it immediately, especially when they\u2019re in an uncomfortable situation. There\u2019s nothing wrong with seeking direction, especially when adult intervention is needed, but I want to be sure our counselors are armed with good skills for giving campers guidance on conflict resolution, rather than just providing kids with the solution itself. All too often, we parents tend to rescue our kids from conflict; at camp, kids have a great opportunity to learn to solve such challenges on their own. One of our goals, then, is to prepare counselors to teach campers conflict resolution strategies, which the kids can use in similar situations at home (like with their siblings!). 5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts CALM DOWN Give everyone a chance to take a breather from each other. Ask them each what they need to do to calm down. The \u201cwheel\u201d offers some good choices, like walking away and taking a break for a few minutes, counting to 10 (or 100!), or writing down some feelings. In any case, nothing coherent will come from trying to lead a discussion with upset, emotionally fragile kids. So ask them to figure out the best way to calm down before attempting to solve the problem. Read more in 10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down. Learn about Breathing Beads in this Episode of the Sunshine Parenting Podcast (my interview with Signe Whitson about her book, Parenting the Challenging Child. STATE & UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM Once calm has prevailed, talk to each child (either together or separately, depending on the circumstances) and help them state their problem. Stress the importance of being honest and admitting their role in the conflict (most problems are shared). Encourage them to use \u201cI\u201d statements to express their feelings. For example, \u201cI felt left out and hurt because he wouldn\u2019t let me play the card game, so I threw his towel to annoy him.\u201d Read more in 5 Steps to Raising a Problem Solver. APOLOGIZE WELL \u201cA good apology will communicate three things: regret, responsibility, and remedy. Apologizing for a mistake might seem difficult, but it will help you repair and improve your relationships with others.\u201d http:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Apologize Encourage each child (or only one, depending on the circumstances) to come up with a good apology. Writing it down before they say it can be a good start, and that letter can be given to the child with whom they\u2019re in conflict. Or, with a younger child, take some notes that they can then use as they apologize. I found a great list of what makes a \u201cgood apology,\u201d so it\u2019s best if the child can include all of these parts: \u2022  Use the words, "I\u2019m sorry." \u2022  Acknowledge exactly how you messed up. (As in, \u201cI used unkind words that hurt you.\u201d)\u2022  Tell the person how you\u2019ll fix the situation.\u2022  Promise to behave better next time.\u2022  Ask for forgiveness. Bad apologies, on the other hand, tend to suffer from these four shortcomings: Justifying words or behavior; Blaming the victim; Making excuses; Minimizing the consequences. (\u201cIt was just a joke!\u201d) Read more in More Than "I'm Sorry." PROMOTE SOLUTION FINDING Empower children to brainstorm solutions to their conflict. It\u2019s so tempting as an all-knowing adult to generate solutions, but something the kids think up and agree upon on their own will more likely work. Encourage each child to listen carefully and to accurately paraphrase each other. Encourage them to speak to each other (not you) and to speak honestly and kindly. Read more in What are you going to do? FOLLOW UP Follow up with the children to see how they are getting along and if the solution they came up with is working. But if the \u201ctalk together\/work it out\u201d strategy isn\u2019t working for this pair, it\u2019s best to suggest my go-to strategy: find someone else to hang out with. Even if the kids appear to need a prolonged break from one another, they will still be required to speak in a kind and respectful way when they are interacting. As I wrote this post, I realized that any time I used the word \u201ckid\u201d or \u201cchild,\u201d I could easily have used the word \u201cperson.\u201d Learning these conflict resolution techniques, and even using the \u201cwheel\u201d and its options, could help a lot of us adults, don\u2019t you think? Related Sunshine Parenting Podcast Episodes & Posts Ep. 66: Is it Rude? Is it Mean? or Is it Bullying? Ep. 2: 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs Ep. 60: The Importance of Outdoor, Child-Directed Free Play Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun  Why Kids Need to Get Uncomfortable 5 Steps to Raising a Problem Solver 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs More Than "I'm Sorry" - Teaching Kids to Apologize Well 10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down Making Friends: 3 Communication Skills Your Child Needs And some other fun resources & links P.S. I didn\u2019t have anywhere to fit this in the post, but I just loved this \u201cHow Big is My Problem\u201d poster, which you can order through Teachers Pay Teachers. How often do kids (and adults) communicate a \u201cglitch\u201d or \u201clittle problem\u201d as if it\u2019s a \u201cgigantic problem\u201d or an \u201cemergency\u201d? Wouldn\u2019t it be great if we all agreed to keep the same problem scale? We could walk into our co-worker\u2019s office and say, \u201cI\u2019ve got #2 problem today. Can you help me?\u201d   ","author_name":"Sunshine Parenting","author_url":"https:\/\/sunshine-parenting.com","html":"