{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"Things People Say","description":"You will never know love until you are a mother. Any baby news? Just relax and it will happen. Don't you want kids? When are you going to have a baby? Oh, I am so sorry. Do you have children? You can always adopt.   These are just a few of the words, phrases, comments people say that are huge triggers to women who have gone through infertility treatments and never had a child.  For a really long time, I would be furious when these words were spoken to me.  I called people heartless, mean, insensitive for saying these words to me.  They\u2019d bring me to tears and anger me to the core.  But then, I discovered coaching and was made aware of an alternative way of thinking.  I\u2019d like to introduce you to it in today\u2019s podcast.     Okay, so brains are dramatic. I like to imagine my brain as various dramatic characters. Sometimes I'm in a lead role, sometimes in a supporting role.  our brains are very dramatic \u2013 capital V, capital D. And that\u2019s because of evolution. There\u2019s only two settings that your brain really has. Primal (reactive) Adult (deliberate).  I know for me, I functioned in the reactive state.   Everything is fine and dandy, I am making it though my day just fine and the BAM -insert question from list above.   And now I am in a tail spin about how awful Sally Jo is.  Not because 4 words came out of her mouth, it\u2019s because we aren't managing our minds.  And not because we don't want to. Not because we like feeling kicked in the stomach by someone\u2019s words, it's because no one ever told us we had an option This was seriously the most mind blowing concepts that was offered to me.  Some of you listening today may be skeptics.  I get it.  .   One of the reasons that it\u2019s so fascinating to me when my clients are really committed to the idea of their story around their infertility more than if they come up with something you want to think on purpose, your brain is just a story-making machine. It\u2019s constantly filtering out everything around you.   So managing your mind is like taking some ownership over it. And your primitive brain - the decision-making question it basically uses is, is this life or death? Anything that seems jarring, startling  like it might relate to me dying, I\u2019m going to pay attention to and I\u2019m going to ignore everything else, which means that your primitive brain is a drama queen because everything is either fine or life and death. Those are the only two settings it has. But we seem to tap into the primitive part of our brain more than the adult part of our brain.   So our primal, drama queen brains, they\u2019re still in that day and time where it was just like, things were life or death or not. And that\u2019s why our brains are constantly telling us that everyone hates us, everything\u2019s a threat, life is terrible, we\u2019re going to die alone, right. It\u2019s like, constant life or death.    So that is why your primitive brain interprets things so intensely. But what\u2019s ironic is that we think that other people have the ability to cause our drama. It is so common to hear this term these days. I just can\u2019t - There\u2019s too much drama. She always causes drama. I don\u2019t want to deal with the drama.    You know what drama is? An expression of art. It generally happens on a stage. It\u2019s part of an art form. That\u2019s what drama is. But we just take human interaction and we call it drama and our primitive brain loves this because it likes life or death things. So your primitive brain is like, yes, drama, life is so dramatic. I could die at any moment. Primitive brain loves this.   But the truth is that drama is only ever in your brain. No one else can cause drama for you. Did you know that?  You probably did not know that. well if you\u2019re one of my clients, you know that.  Otherwise, you may think that other people can cause drama for you. Other people can be toxic. Other people can say the worst things. Other people can be draining. That\u2019s what you think.   Many people think that they can only be in harmony if they surround themselves with kind, compassionate, butterfly loving, high-vibe people because they affect your vibe.\u201d No. No. No.   Other people don\u2019t affect your vibe. Other people don\u2019t cause drama. Other people are not toxic. Other people are not draining. It is all in your brain. It does not matter what they say. It doesn\u2019t matter what they do. It doesn\u2019t matter if the other person tells you they are pregnant and invites you to their baby shower.   It doesn\u2019t matter what they do; no one else can cause drama for you. Only you can cause drama for you because drama only exists in your own mind. What other people say and do are neutral circumstances and your thought about them is what causes your feeling. So no one else can cause drama for you because drama isn\u2019t a real thing that exists.   Like sometimes in the beginning, I have my clients look at a feelings chart to learn how to identify their feelings; drama is not and option on there because drama is not an emotion and it\u2019s not a real thing. Drama is just an interpretation. It\u2019s an opinion. It\u2019s a thought you have. Drama is a label that you apply to someone else\u2019s words or actions. It\u2019s not an objective thing.   So no matter what someone else does, it isn\u2019t drama. There\u2019s only drama if you decide to have the thought that it\u2019s drama. When you think something or someone else is drama or dramatic, how do you feel? Well, you feel all riled up. You feel stressed out and overwhelmed and out of control. So who is really causing the drama?   Your brain is the only thing capable of causing drama for you. Other people\u2019s words or actions are not drama. They don\u2019t cause drama. The drama is your own negative thoughts that you don\u2019t have the ability to manage yet. So what happens is you try to avoid the people you think set it off because you\u2019re blaming them for your feelings. You decided to cut Sally Jo out of your life because she is an asshole for telling you to stay calm as you enter into your 4th IVF cycle.  We think that she causes drama and the best thing to do is avoid them. And this is just like those people who are obsessed with high-vibe living.  And I am not saying that you should never take someone vibe into consideration of with whom you want to spend your time, I am just saying that shit-talking them for questions or words they spoke is a great opportunity for you to lean in a bit closer and start to get curious about what that strikes up in you.  What thoughts do you think when someone tells you \u201cYou can always adopt\u201d or asks \u201cany kids yet?\u201d You should think about this.   Other people don\u2019t cause our vibes. Other people don\u2019t cause our drama. So when you try to avoid drama by avoiding those people who cause it, what you are doing is abdicating emotional responsibility for yourself, and the same is true when you try to not be around people who don\u2019t have high vibes.   You are just acting like a toddler who\u2019s like, well if I turn around, it\u2019s not there and I don\u2019t see it then I don\u2019t have a problem, right. It\u2019s like shoving all your junk in a drawer or in a pile.  You have a pile of stuff that needs to be addressed, but you just dont have the mental energy to complete now, so you will stuff it away until you either stumble upon it again or the deadline is up to turn it in and then you are rifling through shit asking youirself why you always do this.  And that\u2019s what you\u2019re doing when you try to just avoid people who you think are drama or who don\u2019t have high vibes or who are toxic or whatever adjective you choose.   You\u2019re like, okay well I\u2019ll just shove this person in a drawer and then I don\u2019t have to deal with this. But other people don\u2019t cause your feelings -  your thoughts do. So this is one of the tactics that, fine, it works as long as you can control it, so maybe you don\u2019t need to hang out with that woman from your book club who causes drama, but soon enough, there\u2019s going to be someone in your life who you can\u2019t avoid.   My clients ask me this all the time. They\u2019re like, it\u2019s easier if I just avoid this person or quit this job or whatever, if I change my circumstance, I don\u2019t have to manage my mind. The sad truth is - your thoughts are going with you. There will likely be someone who will ask you When you are going to have a baby at your next job.  Are you going to quit that one too   But even if you could, even if it was easier to just change the circumstance, it\u2019s only easier as long as the world cooperates and soon enough, you\u2019re going to hit a scenario where you can\u2019t change the circumstance and then you\u2019re going to be sorry that you don\u2019t know how to manage your mind. So you can avoid the drama book club woman if you want, but eventually, there\u2019s going to be someone in your life who you can\u2019t avoid.   You\u2019re going to have a colleague who you think causes drama or you\u2019re going to have a mother-in-law who you think causes drama. And if you believe that they can cause drama, then you are always going to feel stressed and out of control around them and emotionally exhausted from interacting with them.   So when you cut people out of your life or you avoid them because of your own thought in your brain that they cause drama \u2013 which they do not, that\u2019s a total lie, your brain causes it \u2013 when you cut them out of your life so you don\u2019t have to manage your mind, number one \u2013 you\u2019re just going to feel drama about something else because it\u2019s your thoughts that cause it. But number two \u2013 you\u2019re never going to learn how to deal with it. So it\u2019s like a shortcut that ends in a volcano and you die. It doesn\u2019t actually help you. It doesn\u2019t serve you.   So I recommend the opposite; don\u2019t avoid people who cause drama. I think you should spend time with them. The people you think cause drama are your greatest spiritual teachers because they trigger all of your negative thoughts and because you\u2019ve completely abandoned your emotional responsibility for yourself around them.   So by spending time with them, you will get access to the thoughts that are causing the negative feelings that you are labeling drama and blaming on them. And that\u2019s true for anyone you think is toxic also. Like if there\u2019s any word that\u2019s used more than drama these days, it\u2019s toxic. It\u2019s such a common term in the self-help-light world, I think, and so misleading, right.   There is no such thing as a toxic person because toxic implies that a person can poison you, that they can cause your negative emotions and be bad for you emotionally, but that\u2019s not true.   Your thoughts cause your feelings. Other people don\u2019t cause your feelings, even the ones you don\u2019t like, even the ones who you think cause drama, even if all your friends agree that they\u2019re toxic. A toxic person is just someone you aren\u2019t managing your mind around; that\u2019s it. What causes stress is your thoughts about you when you interpre t the words they say to you.   When I tell someone I went through 7 IUIs and 4 IVF cycles and didnt have a baby and they lean in and softly say \u201c I am so sorry\u201d.  That used to bother me so much.  Them showing pity made me think - they must think I am shattered and that made me feel weak.  And then the drama would ensue in my head.  I am weak, people feel sorry for me.  I am a downer to be around, blah blah   So I now think of this person as someone who causes drama, but it isn't true.  It is just someone that you are not managing your thoughts around. If my clients tell me that someone they know is toxic, I know what that means is they have surrendered their emotional responsibility for their interactions with that person.   Or the person that says, you can always adopt\u2026. How dare she suggest that.  Does she think I didn't try hard enough to be a mom?  That the thousand I spent and headache I suffered aren't worth anything because adoption wasn't for us?   It feels empowering because you\u2019re like, I have identified the problem. I\u2019m not the problem; it\u2019s you. You\u2019re toxic. But it\u2019s not empowering because you\u2019re putting yourself totally at that person\u2019s mercy and you\u2019re telling yourself you can\u2019t control your own experience.   You\u2019re telling yourself that someone else is being whoever they are, just saying and doing whatever they do, like literally just them making sounds with their mouth are dangerous to you. .   So if you call someone toxic or insensitive, you\u2019re telling your primal brain it\u2019s a life or death threat. And then of course, your brain becomes obsessed with it and fixates on that person. And the fixation causes a lot of rumination and negative thoughts and those produce anxiety, fear, or dread. So guess who is the toxic one here.    Yep,  it\u2019s you.   Your brain, your thoughts, you are the one who is toxic to yourself. You are the one who is creating drama. No one else creates drama for you. No one else is toxic. And, by the way, that is also true of places and environments. Your work place is not toxic, a baby shower is not toxic.   You just aren\u2019t managing your mind about other people being less than the ideal perfect people you\u2019d prefer. Okay, and now some of you are really bristling as you listen.  I get it.  Before I learned more about thought management, I would have too.   But why would you want to believe that somebody else can control your brain more than you can? It may make sense to us because when we\u2019re not managing our mind, we\u2019re like, yeah, well someone else must be controlling it because I sure as hell don't have control over what\u2019s going on up there.  I can\u2019t manage this thing at all. Someone else must be doing it.   But it\u2019s just because you\u2019re not making the effort to do it yourself. When you take emotional responsibility for yourself and your thoughts, you don\u2019t have to fear any kind of pregnancy announcement or toxic baby shower or friend or great aunt or anyone else because you know that you\u2019re in charge of how you think and feel, no matter what.   It\u2019s so interesting because even just the phrases, causes drama or insensitive person, are going to stress you out. When you think, she causes drama, you feel the negative emotions you associate because of drama. But people are pregnant and have baby showers. It isn\u2019t toxic. It\u2019s your thought that it is toxic that causes so much suffering.   So it\u2019s very all or nothing, black and white thinking, both emotionally and in the way it shows up and the results in your life. So that\u2019s what happens when we call someone dramatic or insensative; it doesn\u2019t motivate any action unless it\u2019s to just completely cut them out if we can, but then if we can\u2019t, which is often, we don\u2019t have any recourse. We don\u2019t have anything we can do.   We just tell ourselves we\u2019ve got no power and we feel helpless and we don\u2019t take action. So I want you to pay attention this week and notice how often you are telling yourself that someone is insensitive or causes drama or someone or something is toxic or draining or has bad vibes. Like, notice how it feels to label it that way.   Other people exist. Your workplace exists. Your book club exists. Your in-laws exist. But you get to choose what label to put on that container. Like honestly, imagine them each in a glass container and you get to decide which label to put on it. Do you want to label it insensitive? Do you want to label it drama?  Toxic?How does that serve you?   If you want to create less emotional drama, stop telling yourself that other people cause it for you. You\u2019re the only one causing your own drama. They\u2019re just other people who have said words or sent you an invite to a shower. It\u2019s your thoughts that are poisoning you. And ironically, if you stop labeling them insensitive, you will actually feel more empowered.   So, that\u2019s what I want you to pay attention to this week.  ","author_name":"IVF Failed You - The "So Now What?" Podcast","author_url":"http:\/\/lifeafterivf.libsyn.com","html":"