{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"Trade defensiveness for Curiosity","description":"You can pre-order my next book, Advocate to Win-10 Tools to Ask for What You Want and Get It, here. Then send my team the receipt at heather@advocatetowin.com and you\u2019ll get the course with the ten tools for free!  Twenty years as a defense attorney will make you defensive. It\u2019s part of the job after all. But I\u2019ve found the more defensive I am, the worse I do, in the courtroom and also in life. And when I trade defensiveness for curiosity, I win. As a self advocacy coach, I\u2019ve seen this work for my clients as well. When they trade defensiveness for curiosity, they win.  First, you should know my definition of win. It\u2019s from the Cambridge Dictionary, and it is to \u201creceive something positive because you\u2019ve earned it\u201d. You can receive more fun, better relationships, more self awareness, and better outcomes when you earn it by trading your defensiveness for curiosity.  It worked for me. Years ago I\u2019d been in a relationship for a few years and we\u2019d been through a lot together. But suddenly my partner started saying \u201cYou\u2019re miserable.\u201d This made me miserable! I got very defensive and I could feel it in my body. My shoulders jumped up and became earrings. My stomach tied itself in knots, my jaw clenched and my hips tightened. So I defended.  \u201cI\u2019m not miserable! Ask anyone. Anyone who knows me will tell you I\u2019m enthusiastic, optimistic and happy. For God\u2019s sake, my nickname used to be Pollyanna!\u201d I\u2019d yell\u200a\u2014\u200amiserably.  And I\u2019d become more miserable. Then one day I was working on my next book, Advocate to Win, and sharing the 5 Cs of an Advocate. One of those Cs is Curiosity, and I decided to try trading my defensiveness for curiosity. I got curious.  \u201cAm I miserable?\u201d The answer was yes. The thoughts I was thinking about this relationship were making me miserable. As soon as I put down my defenses that became very clear. Then I decided to get even more curious. What if I owned it? \u201cI am miserable.\u201d It didn\u2019t feel good, but it gave me a lot of insight. It was time for a change. After some work and some awareness I was able to change my thoughts about the relationship so that I felt less miserable. And then I was able to leave the relationship and maintain the friendship. No more misery-that was my win! And I earned it by putting down my defenses and being curious.  My clients have had similar results when they\u2019ve traded their defensiveness for curiosity. One of my clients has a husband who called her boring. She told me about this and listed all of her defenses.  \u201cI get up at 4am to play volleyball!\u201d \u201cI love to party!\u201d \u201cI play dress up with the kids all the time!\u201d  She had her defenses ready. But I asked her to trade them for curiosity.  \u201cAre there times you are boring?\u201d I visually watched her shoulders drop.  \u201cWell, sure. I go to bed early. I don\u2019t always want to watch TV late at night with him. And sometimes I don\u2019t want to go out when he does\u2026..Maybe I AM boring!\u201d  We both laughed. It was no longer such a big deal to be boring when she owned that it was possible. And that meant she could talk to her husband about it without fighting. When you trade defensiveness for curiosity, you tend to fight a whole lot less. They talked about the ways in which she could be less \u201cboring\u201d and he could be less \u201clazy\u201d (her biggest criticism of him). And now they\u2019re both having a lot more fun.  And trading your defensiveness for curiosity doesn\u2019t mean you have to acquiesce. Sometimes you do have to defend. In those situations, you start with curiosity and then move on to the defenses.  When I was trying cases, I\u2019d always start with curiosity. I defended doctors when their patients sued them. And when the case came in, I\u2019d approach the allegations with curiosity. How could this be true? How could the jury think this is true? When I was curious about all of the things that the other side would say, I was better able to defend my client against them.  You can do the same. If you are competing or a sale, a position or a client, be curious about your competition. What terrible things could they say about you? How could they hurt your reputation, your pitch and your odds of getting that thing you want? Put down your defenses and pick up curiosity. Explore all the ways you could lose\u200a\u2014\u200aand then you\u2019ll be much more likely to win. You will be prepared for every point because you weren\u2019t afraid to look at them.  Trading defensiveness for curiosity can change your relationships, your work and your entire life. And it\u2019s so much more fun. So try it for yourself. Put down your defenses, pick up curiosity and see what you win. ","author_name":"The Elegant Warrior with Heather Hansen","author_url":"https:\/\/advocatetowin.com\/","html":"