{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"Episode 19: Will vs Skill: The Parenting Mindset Shift That Changes Everything","description":"Will vs Skill: The Parenting Mindset Shift That Changes Everything And if worry is a frequent guest at your house, don\u2019t forget to grab my free Worry Toolkit. It\u2019s 10 days of quick, practical tools to help your whole family live with more ease and less anxiety\u2014straight to your inbox. Episode Introduction Ever catch yourself thinking, \u201cMy kid is just being lazy \/ rude \/ defiant\u201d\u2026 and then immediately feel your chest tighten and your tone get sharp? In this episode of Emotions with Ease, I\u2019m unpacking one of my all-time favorite parenting mindset shifts: Will vs Skill. It\u2019s a simple question that can totally change how you see your child\u2019s behavior and how you respond to it: Is this a will issue (they won\u2019t)\u2026 or a skill issue (they can\u2019t yet)? I\u2019ll walk you through real-life examples (homework battles, sass, messes, and even kid-sized lying), and show you how shifting from \u201cThey won\u2019t\u201d to \u201cThey don\u2019t know how\u2026 yet\u201d gives you clear next steps, more compassion, and way less shame\u2014for both of you. \u23f1\ufe0f Timestamps & Highlights 0:02 \u2013 Welcome & Why This Mindset Shift Matters Introduction to the Will vs Skill concept How Jami first learned it at a TBRI conference as a school counselor The moment she thought, \u201cOh\u2026 this changes everything\u201d 1:18 \u2013 Will vs Skill: What Are We Talking About? The difference between: Will issue \u2192 won\u2019t do it Skill issue \u2192 can\u2019t yet do it Why this is both a mindset shift and a paradigm shift for parents How this tool can disrupt cycles of anger, frustration, and power struggles 2:38 \u2013 When We Assume It\u2019s \u201cWill\u201d: Where We Get Stuck Common parent thoughts: \u201cShe\u2019s just being lazy.\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s so disrespectful.\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s doing this just to annoy me.\u201d How our bodies react: Tight chest Sharper tone \u201cBattle of control\u201d spiral Why \u201cThey\u2019re just lazy\/defiant\u201d leaves you with no helpful next step 3:51 \u2013 The Shift: What If It\u2019s Actually a Skill Issue? Reframing: \u201cThey can\u2019t yet\u201d instead of \u201cThey won\u2019t\u201d Possible missing skills: Self-regulation Motivation Organization Communication Empathy Why skill issues always offer a next step (teach, model, practice) 5:25 \u2013 The Bike-Riding Analogy You\u2019d never say, \u201cMy kid just doesn\u2019t want to balance.\u201d You\u2019d notice: they need help, guidance, and practice Applying that same compassion to emotional and behavioral skills 6:40 \u2013 Real-Life Example #1: The 12-Year-Old Who Won\u2019t Do Homework Will lens: \u201cHe\u2019s lazy.\u201d \u201cHe doesn\u2019t care about school.\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s unmotivated.\u201d Next step = grounding, screens removed, lots of control + lectures Skill lens: Maybe it\u2019s organization (tornado backpack, no systems) Maybe it\u2019s time management (no plan for time after practice) Maybe it\u2019s confusion (he actually needs a tutor) How assuming \u201cskill\u201d opens up better questions and more helpful support 8:54 \u2013 Real-Life Example #2: The 8-Year-Old With Attitude Directive: \u201cHey babe, it\u2019s time to feed the dog.\u201d Response: eye roll, \u201cYou feed the dog.\u201d Will lens: \u201cShe\u2019s rude. She\u2019s disrespectful.\u201d \u2192 no real next step Skill lens: She might be missing the skill of expressing disagreement respectfully She may be overwhelmed with too many directives at once Practical coaching script: \u201cI\u2019d like your tone to match my tone.\u201d Giving her exact words to use instead (\u201cMom, can you give me one thing at a time?\u201d) 12:49 \u2013 Real-Life Example #3: \u201cMy Kid Never Cleans Up Unless I Nag\u201d Parent story: \u201cI always have to tell him five times.\u201d Will lens: He\u2019s lazy. He doesn\u2019t care. Skill lens: Missing executive functioning skills (sequencing, planning) Missing time awareness Needs help with transitions (e.g., 60-second warnings before cleanup) How to scaffold and build these skills instead of just nagging 14:43 \u2013 You Won\u2019t Nail It Every Time (And That\u2019s Okay) Sometimes you\u2019ll guess the wrong skill\u2014no big deal You adjust, try another angle, and keep problem-solving Parenting as a puzzle without the picture on the box Bringing your kid into the conversation: \u201cI know you\u2019re not lazy. I see you on the soccer field.\u201d \u201cWhat skill do you think might be missing here?\u201d 16:45 \u2013 Why This Removes Shame (and Why That Matters) Labeling kids as \u201clazy\u201d or \u201cdefiant\u201d creates shame, not motivation Shame sits at the lowest emotional frequency and shuts kids down Seeing behavior as a skill gap turns it into: A problem we solve together A chance to build confidence and competence 17:53 \u2013 Brain Science Moment: Wise Owl Brain & Regulation When kids are dysregulated (angry, overwhelmed, shut down), their Wise Owl brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline In those moments, they literally cannot access their best skills Order of operations: Regulate first (co-regulate with them) Teach the skill later once they\u2019re calm 19:12 \u2013 Real-Life Example #4: The \u201cTiny Lie\u201d and the Redo Jami\u2019s story of her child adding details to a story that didn\u2019t happen The fork in the road: \u201cShe\u2019s a liar\u201d (will) \u2192 shame spiral + power struggle \u201cThis is a skill issue\u201d \u2192 opportunity to practice truth-telling The powerful tool of a redo: Offering a do-over Re-enacting the conversation Celebrating: \u201cYou are a truth-teller.\u201d 23:52 \u2013 Weekly Tool: Your New Go-To Question When frustration hits, ask: \ud83d\udc49 \u201cIs this a will issue or a skill issue?\u201d Then assume skill so you can: Find a clear next step Teach, model, and practice with your child Remove shame from the equation Reminder: wait until their Wise Owl brain is back online before teaching 25:25 \u2013 Wrap-Up & Encouragement Will vs Skill helps you: Parent with more ease Lead with grace and compassion Still hold your family values This tool works at any age and in any season of parenting \ud83d\udd11 Key Takeaways \u201cWill vs Skill\u201d is a game-changing parenting lens. When you assume skill instead of will, you get clarity, compassion, and next steps. If it\u2019s a skill issue, there is always a next step. You can teach, model, practice, scaffold, and support. If you treat it as a will issue, you often end up with shame and power struggles. Labels like \u201clazy,\u201d \u201crude,\u201d and \u201cdefiant\u201d shut kids (and parents) down. Big behavior usually points to a missing skill, not a broken character. Think: organization, time management, emotional regulation, communication, empathy, executive functioning. Regulate first, teach later. A dysregulated brain can\u2019t access its best skills. Help them calm, then coach. Redos are powerful. They let kids practice the skill you actually want\u2014without the shame storm. Assuming skill protects your relationship. It keeps you and your child on the same team, solving a problem together. \ud83d\udce3 Strong CTA (Call to Action) If this episode helped you exhale and think, \u201cOkay, I can do this differently,\u201d would you: \ud83d\udc49 Share it with one parenting friend who\u2019s stuck in the \u201cthey just won\u2019t listen\u201d loop? \ud83d\udc49 Screenshot and tag me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching with your favorite takeaway? Keywords: will vs skill, parenting mindset shift, child behavior, kids big emotions, emotional regulation for kids, TBRI, positive parenting tools ","author_name":"Emotions With Ease","author_url":"https:\/\/www.sacredgroundcoaching.com\/podcasts\/emotions-with-ease","html":"