{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"506-How to Not Have an Affair: Interview with Gary Thomas","description":"It doesn\u2019t start with scandal. It often doesn't even start with feelings. It starts with a smile. A moment of connection. A conversation that feels easy\u2014maybe easier than the ones you\u2019ve been having at home. You walk away thinking, That was nothing. But somewhere deep down, you also know\u2014it could become something. If that\u2019s where you find yourself today (or even if you\u2019ve seen the warning signs in someone you love), please take a deep breath. You\u2019re not broken. You didn't marry the wrong person. You haven't done an irredeemable thing with no going back. You\u2019re human. And this conversation is meant to bring you hope, not shame. In my conversation with Gary Thomas today\u2014pastor and bestselling author of Sacred Marriage\u2014he shared that when a group of wives was asked "How many times do you think a married man has had extramarital feelings for someone?", they all responded with zero. When he asked the same question to a group of husbands, they all said somewhere from 4 to 6. What we are saying is that attraction and feelings for someone other than your spouse are not often talked about, but are pretty common- for both husbands and wives. And we believe that bringing this into the light will take some of the shame off of these feelings and also help people not to go down a road they think has no return. Gary Thomas on Attraction and Integrity Gary has been married for over 40 years, and he\u2019s seen a lot\u2014as a pastor, counselor, and husband. He told me, \u201cThe reason we make a commitment is because we know there will always be another person who draws us for a moment. Commitment means we already know what to do with it\u2014and what not to do with it.\u201d We don\u2019t often talk about attraction outside of marriage unless it\u2019s already turned into an affair. But Gary\u2019s heart is to normalize awareness before it becomes destruction. In our talk, Gary referenced a romantic comedy movie where a married bus driver begins to become attracted to a girl on a bicycle. Finally, a friend of the bus driver gently confronts him and says: \u201cThere will always be a girl on the bicycle.\u201d In other words, there will always be someone who catches your eye. The key isn\u2019t pretending that will never happen\u2014it\u2019s learning how to respond when it does. Gary reminded me that having an attraction isn\u2019t the sin. Entertaining it is. The feelings themselves don\u2019t make you unfaithful\u2014they make you human. But where you let those feelings go next? That\u2019s where faithfulness begins. The Subtle Steps Toward an Affair Gary shared that most affairs don\u2019t start with a dramatic choice\u2014they start with small, quiet ones. Little compromises that feel \u201cinnocent.\u201d He shared with a story of a woman who did end up having a physical affair. She recounted that it wasn't just one day to the next, but that there were actually several steps that happened before they were physically intimate. She shares that she could have turned back at any of these step, had she known before. She also shares the grief after it was all done at waking up to "just a dude in her bed"\u2013 not the escape or rescue or romance the temptation had promised. Here are the steps she shared and the pattern Gary\u2019s seen over and over again: You share marriage frustrations with someone of the opposite sex. You sense a spark\u2014and feel seen or understood. You start caring how you look around them. You think about them when they\u2019re not around. That\u2019s the prelude. It doesn\u2019t feel dangerous yet, but it\u2019s where hearts begin to shift. Gary said, \u201cIf you can recognize it early, you can stop it before it ever grows.\u201d From there, people will often begin to have an emotional affair:      5. You fantasize about being together.      6. Manipulating circumstances to spend more time together.      7. You start playful banter or flirtation.      8. Friends notice\u2014and ask what\u2019s going on. This is a wake-up call. Gary said, \u201cIf people around you see it, something\u2019s already happening.\u201d They\u2019re seeing what your heart is trying not to admit. Then, comes the actual physical affair:     9. Meeting together in secrecy.     10. Texting or calling in ways you hide from your spouse.     11. Physical intimacy. This is the final step\u2014but it\u2019s never the first. We don't share this to shame. Maybe you've already partaken in some of these steps. We share because it is not too late to turn back. Gary said, \u201cIf you know the steps, you can stop at any one of them." When You Have Extramarital Feelings, Here's What to Do If you do end up experiencing feelings or attraction for someone other than your spouse\u2014don\u2019t panic. Don\u2019t spiral into guilt. Instead, bring it into the light. Tell a trusted, godly friend of your same sex. Talk to your spouse if it\u2019s wise to do so. And most importantly\u2014talk to Jesus. Ask Him to help you see the truth: that this isn\u2019t love, it\u2019s a lure. Temptation often feels like relief at first\u2014but always ends in ruin. Then, put up strong, unapologetic guardrails: Stop all unnecessary contact with that person. Don\u2019t text, call, or \u201cjust check in.\u201d If you work together, keep everything professional and public. And don\u2019t justify emotional intimacy as \u201cjust friendship.\u201d And when your spouse asks you to stop interacting with that person, don't respond with pride. See that they are feeling threatened and care for them deeply in that. As Gary said, \u201cYou can\u2019t make your wife (or husband) feel cherished if you\u2019re protecting a relationship that threatens them.\u201d What Makes Us Vulnerable to Affairs Gary also reminded me that temptation doesn\u2019t appear out of nowhere\u2014it finds cracks that already exist. Stress. Loneliness. Unmet needs. Disappointment. He said, \u201cThere was a time early in my marriage when everything felt like failure\u2014our baby cried constantly, money was tight, and I felt like I couldn\u2019t get anything right. So when someone made me feel \u2018perfect,\u2019 it was intoxicating.\u201d Can\u2019t we all relate to that in some way? When life feels heavy, a moment of admiration feels like oxygen. But the healing you're seeking isn\u2019t found in a new connection\u2014it\u2019s found in deeper connection at home and with the Lord. But that\u2019s why we must run to the right source for validation. Your worth isn\u2019t in who smiles at you\u2014it\u2019s in the God who delights in you.That's right. Not a perfect wife who is doing the perfect things, or a perfect husband who is saying the perfect words. But the Lord who is constant. Guarding Your Heart and Protecting Your Marriage Let Gary\u2019s wisdom anchor you: \u201cBe as faithful to your spouse as God is faithful to you. Be as committed to your marriage as Christ is committed to His Church.\u201d That kind of faithfulness isn\u2019t built on fear\u2014it\u2019s built on love. When you keep Jesus at the center, attraction loses its power and intimacy becomes holy again. So today, ask yourself: What boundaries do I need to strengthen? Where have I let my guard down? And how can I draw closer\u2014to Jesus and to my spouse\u2014starting now? Again, we don't share this to frighten or shame. We are sharing to let you know that if you've had feelings for someone other than your spouse- you are not alone. You are not dirty, you are not broken. It doesn't mean you married the wrong person and it doesn't mean this new person is your soulmate. It means there was attraction and you are human. That is it. We love you and we are rooting for you!   Blessings, The Delight Your Marriage Team   PS - Want to bring our material to your churches? Check out delightyourmarriage.com\/ipt to learn more about our In-Person Trainings and our January pilot programs! PPS - Ready to take the next step for yourself? Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Advisors at delightyourmarriage.com\/cc. PPPS - Here's what one of our recent graduates had to say about our program: "My wife and I were roommates at best. I felt that she only wanted me around for a paycheck and to take care of the house. When we had sex it was duty sex where she wasn't present and there was no connection. I hated myself but I was wanting to cheat on her just to feel wanted and desired...[Now,] I have learned about how I was causing problems and putting way too much pressure on my wife...if I am not cheering her on, who is?  The truth was no one was, no wonder she was depressed, withdrawn, and suicidal.  I would be too. I now take pride in knowing that God entrusted her to me to lift her up, cheer her on, show her how good she is, encourage her, listen to her, and cherish her so she can grow...[Recently,] she told our daughters to move because she wanted to sit by me during movie night.  She has taken steps towards intimacy with me on her own without me pressuring her." #marriagepodcast #marriedlife #marriageadvice ","author_name":"Delight Your Marriage","author_url":"https:\/\/delightyourmarriage.com","html":"