{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"S9E03: Ask a Sex Therapist: Does Planning Sex Kill the Vibe?","description":"This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering ten of the most common questions they hear from clients, exvangelicals, and the larger cultural zeitgeist. One of the most common questions is "Does planning sex kill the vibe?" In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah talk about the distinctions between planned and spontaneous sex. While many of us desire spontaneous sex, the reality is that, for many of us, sex is more planned than we might realize. And that's fantastic! Join Julia and Jeremiah for a hilarious, thought-provoking, and enriching conversation about:  Truthiness & Vibes (6:00): Jeremiah kicks us off by defining a Colbert-era term and his dislike for vibes, \u201c\u200aTruthiness is the idea that something is true, not because it is true, but because it feels true. Or another way to say it. The vibes are good." Ignoring Feelings (7:00): Julia notes, \u201c\u200aAnd to be fair, how something or someone makes us feel is important. And for me, growing up in evangelicalism, I learned to ignore my feelings, including some really important feelings. So we are not telling you to ignore your feelings.\u201d Physiology (13:30): Jeremiah says, \u201c\u200aFor many reasons, spontaneous sex is easier to access for folks with younger physiology or in earlier stages of the relationship. As folks age, and as long-term relationships become more mature, spontaneous sex is often less available. The onset of Viagra and Cialis has reinforced the idea that a person with a penis needs to be ready to go spontaneously.\u201d Planning (18:00): Julia discusses: \u201cSpontaneous sex can be like those rare occasions when you can call your besties and meet in an hour. Good for you. But almost all the things that we love in this world will require our planning, and we've accepted that.\u201d Sexual Growth Beliefs (23:00): Jeremiah summarizes, \u201c\u200aThe first of these is called Sexual Growth beliefs. People who adhere to these ideals think that satisfying sex has a lot of different variables to it, and they recognize that sexual health happens through effort, ongoing conversation, and practice.\u201d Magical Connections (28:00): Julia explores her theory, \u201c\u200aI would posit that sexual destiny beliefs are more likely to exist in a culture such as ours that doesn't have effective ways to talk about sexual and relational health. A culture that defunds comprehensive sex education, and a culture that suggests you are your most effective self by how well you perform sexuality, specifically gender roles.\u201d Spontaneous Sex (35:00): Jeremiah discusses \u201c\u200aTalking about spontaneous sex can be a window into describing our favorite ideal or fantasize sexual experiences, which is great. However, as we'll talk about in a few minutes, the way we think sex should be is often quite different from the way that sex actually gets enacted. This is especially important for folks in longer term relationships.\u201d Talking about Sex (39:00): Julia summarizes, \u201c\u200aWhat we're drawing from this research is that when a couple talks about sexuality consistently, they're able to more realistically reflect on how sex actually happens for a couple.\u201d Rekindling Desire (42:00): Julia discusses Barry McCarthy\u2019s book, \u201c\u200aTo briefly summarize, McCarthy suggests that setting realistic expectations around what our bodies can do physically, psychologically, and relationally, are tantamount to relational health and sexual health. He invites couples to consider that at least 85% of sexual experiences are about connection and celebrating the relationship rather than performing the perfect individual sexual experience, which comes with a lot of pressure.\u201d Connection over Performance (43:00): Jeremiah adds, \u201c\u200aif the sexual relationship is about the relationship rather than the performance of the individual, that can help to reduce the fear of failure, such as the success of our genitals, as well as the fear of our partner rejecting us.\u201d Responsive Sexual Desire (47:00): Julia says, \u201cIt's important to remember that folks with responsive sexual desire need more intentionality and structure to move into a sexual experience, and that doesn't make their sexuality less valid or important.\u201d Relationship 101 (50:00): Jeremiah shares one of today\u2019s tips, \u201c\u200aTalk with your partner about one thing you appreciate before a sexual experience, one thing you appreciate during a sexual experience, and one thing you appreciate after the sexual experience.\u201d Sexual Health (52:00): Julia says, \u201c\u200aAs mentioned at the beginning of the episode, sexual health is a blend of planning sex, setting up a structure that works for all partners and relying on spontaneity, flexibility and ad-libbing or improv to access, excitement, creativity, and fun.\u201d ","author_name":"Sexvangelicals","author_url":"https:\/\/www.sexvangelicals.com","html":"