{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 4)","description":"Chapter #7   Suicide The word \u201c\u201dcommitted\u201d is usually used in the context of crimes.  2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women.  Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118 Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It\u2019s a sign of a mind that needs help. 114 The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118 There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119 Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org Chapter #8   Complicated Relationships   Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129 People are who they are, and they don\u2019t change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130 This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship.   We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131 What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving?  My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134 Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134 In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt.  Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain.  This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process.  Four Types of Forgiveness:             1.         Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself.             2.         Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity             3.         Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person\u2019s character or action.              4.         Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with  disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment. This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1. Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is \u201cDo I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?\u201d  Pg 137  Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving             1.         Picture the person as an infant.             2.         Think of them growing up and someone hurting them.             3.         Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life.             4.         Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here.  When I recognize I\u2019m human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138 This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness.  This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action.   One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; \u201cI think I\u2019ll be a real jerk today.\u201d  Pg. 139 It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for \u201cthem\u201d. It is for you. Pg. 139 In  chapter #9 There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy:  pg. 158             1.         Their relationships grow stronger.             2.         They discover new purposes in life.             3.         They find inner strength.             4.         Spirituality is deepened.             5.         They renew their appreciation for life.  Chapter #10 Miscarriage and Infant Lose Even our dictionaries often include the word \u201cfailure\u201d in the definition of miscarriage. Try to understand that while your partner may grieve differently from you, they still deserve a grief process that is treated with sensitivity and respect. Lean on each other during this difficult time, and give each other grace. How can they say goodbye when they\u2019ve never had a chance to say hello? They are grieving for what could have been Chapter #11 Illnesses of Our Mind: Mental Illness and Addiction My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone.  Anne Lamott  171 Addiction should no longer be seen as a moral failing or a lack of willpower. It is a medical problem, an illness that leads to a progressively worsening chronic condition, and one that is particularly hard to fight, because the drugs involved attack the brain of users, the very organ that helps us fight other dangers to our survival. The same can be said for mental illness. We can\u2019t tell a person who is mentally ill or addicted to use his\/her brain to help himself recover, because the brain is a diseased organ.  Pg 175 The Three C\u2019s of Al-Anon pg. 177             1.         We didn\u2019t cause it             2.         We cannot control it             3.         We cannot cure it Sometimes the most meaningful realization in the loss of grief is our loss of control. Meaning is everywhere if you look for it. Pg 178 Addiction is about numbness. When you\u2019re addicted, that numbness allows you to ignore the danger, to think that you\u2019re in control when you\u2019re using. And even when you are sober, you may still be numb to the danger and relapse. We understand the relapse is part of recovery. Pg 185  Chapter #12 More Love Than Pain I don\u2019t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. Anne Frank The common belief is that grief is all about pain. Anyone who has been in grief would certainly agree with that. But I believe there is more. There is love. Why do we believe that the pain we feel is about the absence of love? The love didn\u2019t die when the person we love died. It didn\u2019t disappear. It remains.  The question is: How do we learn to remember that person with more love than pain\u2026 There is not getting around the pain. We have to go through it because it is an inevitable result of the separation we are experiencing. It\u2019s a brutal, forced separation. Pg 191 The pain you feel is proportionate to the love you had. The deeper you loved the deeper the pain. But you will find that love exists on the other side of the pain. It\u2019s actually the face of pain.  My thought - Love doesn\u2019t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can\u2019t heal what you can\u2019t feel. P 192 Get in touch with the feeling, let it speak to you, let it go through you and then be done with it. If you\u2019re sad, you need to stay with the sadness and feel it full. If you have a hundred tears to cry don\u2019t stop at fifty. The secret to remembering with love begins with accepting the pain, not trying to deny it or ignore it. Pg 192 No matter how deeply spiritual or religious we are, sometimes we want to be left in the humanness of our pain. 193 Whenever you are talking about your loss, do you want the spiritual response, the human response or both?  Pg 193 Those of us who have lost someone dear do need to be in pain. Pg 193 Feeling the pain is a necessary part of remembering the love. The pain is part of the love. We can\u2019t love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away. Pa 195 Grief may be postponed but it cannot be eradicated. Pg 195 Buffalo run into a storm, thus minimizing how long it will last Pg 196 The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of the grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of the pain. Pg. 196  We are made up of love. We are the sum total of love. If I\u2019ve ever felt one moment of real love in my life, that can be with me in my most terrifying moments. Love never dies. In our darkest moments love remains. When everything else is gone, love continues. Pg 197 What we appreciate, appreciates.  198 The Three Steps To Taking In The Good  (Rick Hanson) 199               1.         Identify a positive experience or memory             2.         Enrich it. Savor it. Intensify it.             3.         Absorb the experience. Sink into it and let it sink into you.  Pain is never the whole story. We may get lost in it for a while, but there\u2019s always something more. Pg 200 Love Bursts \u2013 a surge of love that comes from a memory of a person.  When we move through pain and we release it, we fear there will be nothing, but the truth is, when the pain is gone we are connected only in love. Kessler says, \u201cThough much of my work is about giving people permission to grieve fully after a loss, I also want to give them permission to keep loving. 202 Love doesn\u2019t stop with death. A body dies but love doesn\u2019t.  page 202  Love doesn\u2019t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can\u2019t heal what you can\u2019t feel. P 192 Feel the pain, experience the love. I find that when I reflect on the people I have lost that if I concentrate for just a bit I can still feel their love Look for small seeds of love in pain. Just like a delicate plant, we have to pay attention to it and nourish it. If we do, the love will flower once again in our hearts. Pg 202 Chapter #13 Legacy In 2010 Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet created a Giving Pledge, a campaign to encourage billionaires to commit to donating half or more of their wealth to philanthropic causes during their lifetime. Pg 205  Each of us affects many people throughout our lives. The movie It\u2019s a Wonderful Life does a brilliant job of helping us realize how many people we affect in our lives without realizing it. Pg 206 Write down their memories in a memory book to share with friends and family. They can continue to observe traditions and visit places that were meaningful to that person. Pg 209 Missing them is part of the remembering them, and how you remember your loved one is part of their legacy.  Pg209 Visiting a place that was special to our loved ones helps us remember and connects us to their legacies.  Pg 210 Ensuring that the good qualities of your loved one will live on in your own life is perhaps the most meaningful of all legacies. Pg 211 We grieve as a tribe and we\u2019re always modeling for that tribe. Pg 212 Ultimately our loved ones belongings can become a trap when se find ourselves unable to part with them\u2026 What I have learned from my work is that as we decrease the outer evidence that our loved ones lived, we must increase the evidence inside of us.  Pg215 I help people understand that they themselves are the biggest piece of evidence of their loved one\u2019s lives.  As you think about how to do something meaningful with the things that are in your possession, I encourage you to photograph those things you care about before letting them go. I\u2019ve found that you can get the same emotional reaction from a photo as you do from the item itself.   Pg217 You are also beginning to process the reconstruction of your own life. Nothing will return you to the way you were before you lost your loved one. But everything you do to help his legacy flourish and grow will help you grow, too.  Chapter #14 Grieving to Believing: The Afterlife Just as birth is about a change in the mother\u2019s connection to the infant who was once inside of her, so is death a change in our relationship to the person who is no longer here but still lives within us. Death does not end a relationship, it changes it.  Pg220  Expand on this below. In a mother\u2019s womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: \u201cDo you believe in the life after this world?\u201d The second baby replied, \u201cWhy of course. There has to be something after this world.\u201d \u201cNonsense,\u201d said the first. \u201cThere is no life after this world. What would that life be? The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after this would be impossible. The umbilical cord is too short. There can\u2019t be a world after this one.\u201d The second baby held his ground. \u201cI think there is something, and maybe it\u2019s different than it is here. Maybe we\u2019ll see each other there.\u201d The first baby replied, \u201cIf there is another world, no one has ever come back from there. Leaving here is the end of life and after delivery, there will be nowhere to go and nothing but darkness.\u201d Well, I don\u2019t know,\u201d said the twin. \u201cBut certainly we\u2019ll see Mother and she will take care of us.\u201d \u201cMother?\u201d  The first baby guffawed. \u201cYou believe in a mother? An all-powerful, intelligent being that makes all this happen? Where is she now?\u201d The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. \u201cShe is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her, there would not be a world.\u201d \u201cHa. I don\u2019t see her, so it\u2019s only logical that she doesn\u2019t exist.\u201d  To which the other replied, \u201cSometimes when you\u2019re in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after this world.\u201d Writing a good-bye letter may be a terrible idea because the relationship has not ended. Writing a transformation letter may be effective Pg 220 The Five Stages of Grief were never meant to be an end unto themselves, and completion of them wasn\u2019t supposed to signify the ending of the relationship or grief. There is a continuing evolution in the relationship pg. 221 When someone dies the relationship doesn\u2019t die with them. You have to learn how to have new relationships with them. You can still keep learning from them in your everyday life. Pg 221 I have seen my wife do this with her grandmother in asking how she would approach a certain situation with the wisdom and candor that her grandmother still provides.  You\u2019re not closing the door on a relationship with the person who died. You don\u2019t ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close. You\u2019re opening the door to a different relationship. Remaining connected to your loved one in grief is not \u201cunhealthy grieving.\u201d It\u2019s normal. In death, our attachments continue, as does the love. The connections continue to evolve. Pg222 \u201cMy mother\u2019s and my relationship has improved a great deal in the twenty years since she passed away. I think I\u2019ve learned to understand her and look at her with more compassion.\u201d  Pg223 There are three phenomena encountered by those dying:  pg. 226             1.         Visions \u2013 looking into the world to come.             2.         Getting ready to go on \u2018a trip\u2019             3.         Crowded rooms. Three possible options for viewing the afterlife:  Pg 227             1.         They have an awareness of you. They see you grieving.             2.         They are no longer in touch with this world.              3.         They died, and their consciousness became nothing.             One focus \u2013 We should grieve fully and then live fully. We were put on this earth for such a short time and we will never get to experience this life again. So why don\u2019t we think about how much one more day would mean in our own lives?  Pg 228 In the face of great losses life goes on. The world keeps spinning. The seasons change. Every storm gives way to a clear new day. Despite our losses we continue\u2026 Love and life remain within us and the potential for meaning is always there. 228 Either all deaths matter or none of them do. Pg238 The worst kind of loss is your loss Pg 238 Acknowledge the power of grief Pg 239 Broken heart syndrome is a temporary disruption of your heart\u2019s normal pumping function, often brought on by a surge of stress hormones triggered by a serious event, such as the death of a loved one\u2026 Women are more likely to have broken heart syndrome, but anyone over fifty-five is at a higher risk.  Pg 240 If we shut our ears out of hurt and anger, we will miss it. Pg 244 Martin Seligman 3 P\u2019s that can shape our world after loss             1.         Personalization \u2013 you blame yourself for it, or feel like the only one who has ever suffered such a tragic loss             2          Pervasiveness \u2013 you believe that a negative event will destroy everything in your life             3.         Permanence \u2013 you believe that the effects of a loss or a disaster will last forever.  No one likes or wants this new normal  Pg.  245 The phrase \u201cI don\u2019t know how you are doing it\u201d. I tell them I am not. I have just decided to be a part of ongoing life. What would best honor the years they didn\u2019t get? That could be one way of bringing meaning to our lives without them.  Pg248 People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your life in a way that will honor theirs. It requires a decision and a desire to do this, but finding meaning is not extraordinary, it is ordinary. It happens all the time all over the world.  Pg 248 There are people who walk this earth in awe of the life around them. They are not people who have had a perfect life. The truth is they are often the ones who have had a lot of tragedy. Pg 248 There are magical moments to be had with our living loved ones now. Our job is to find them and cherish them. Through them, we can still find sweetness in the world. Pg 249 There are challenges to finding meaning. Every moment we are making choices-whether to move toward healing or to stay stuck in pain. Like all the other stages, the sixth stage of grief requires movement. We can\u2019t move into the future without leaving the past. We have to say goodbye to the life we had and say yes to the future. Pg 249 Ask yourself, \u201cWho would I be if I changed and grew with this loss? More important, who will you be if you don\u2019t? 249 Now that your loved one has died, who are you? Pg 249 ","author_name":"Authentic Men's Group podcast","author_url":"https:\/\/www.amg.buzz","html":"