{"version":1,"type":"rich","provider_name":"Libsyn","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.libsyn.com","height":90,"width":600,"title":"296. Beyond Vulnerability","description":"The term, \u201cvulnerability\u201d has spread into realms where it\u2019s not an accurate description of what\u2019s going on. The case for being vulnerable often doesn\u2019t make sense. In the creative realm \u2013 and possibly in others \u2013 we should pursue something beyond vulnerability. When I wrote about vulnerability to my Love Mondays newsletter, saying some of what I\u2019m about to say, I got a lot of pushback. In the current \u2013 and what I believe to be incorrect \u2013 parlance, some might say I had made myself vulnerable. I don\u2019t agree. I\u2019ll build up to why in the course of examining the vulnerability movement. I\u2019ll try to keep this organized, so that if you disagree with my line of thinking, it\u2019s easier to identify where. It\u2019s hard to talk about vulnerability in an organized way, because the more the term is abused, the more vague its definition gets. Vulnerability means \u201copen to harm\u201d Let\u2019s start by defining vulnerability. In the most basic terms, vulnerability means, \u201copen to harm.\u201d If you want to be more technical and specific, \u201copen\u201d in this case doesn\u2019t mean \u201cinviting\u201d harm, but rather \u201csusceptible\u201d to harm. Now I\u2019ll paraphrase some examples of how vulnerability is espoused in the current movement: \u201cBe vulnerable at work. If you need help, don\u2019t be afraid to ask.\u201d \u201cBe vulnerable in relationships. Share your feelings, even if it means you might be rejected.\u201d \u201cBe vulnerable in your writing. Share your struggles.\u201d (Anyone familiar with my work might be surprised to hear me tee up this last one.) I don\u2019t deny that a person might feel vulnerable in these situations. I\u2019m not convinced they are vulnerable. I\u2019m definitely skeptical that striving to be or even feel vulnerable is helpful. Emotional harm is the most-subjective harm If being vulnerable is being open to harm, to understand vulnerability we have to define what harm is. There are many types of harm, but I think most are covered in three categories: physical, economic, and emotional harm. Physical harm is the least-subjective realm of harm. Yes, people might perceive their physical wounds differently, and someone can have physical pains with an emotional cause, but for the most part, you can measure physical injury. Economic harm is slightly more-subjective. If you lose your job in a flourishing modern economy, you won\u2019t necessarily have scars, such as if you experienced physical harm. You may ultimately be better off. Emotional harm is almost entirely subjective. What seems like emotional harm to one person may not to another. Some can\u2019t stand to be looked at by a stranger. Others don\u2019t care if someone criticizes them. Importantly, what causes emotional harm to a person when they\u2019re inexperienced in a realm may not \u2013 later, to that same person \u2013 cause emotional harm after they become experienced in that same realm. More on that later. The vulnerability movement: \u201cBe vulnerable, and benefit\u201d Now that we\u2019ve defined vulnerability as \u201copen to harm,\u201d and identified most harms as physical, economic, or emotional, let\u2019s try to identify the case being made for vulnerability by the vulnerability movement. When I say vulnerability movement, I\u2019m not talking about any one person, but rather my perception as a very-confused outsider, trying to make sense of the conversations being had about vulnerability in TED talks, on social media, on podcasts, and at cocktail parties. As far as I can understand, the pitch of the vulnerability movement is, \u201cbe vulnerable and benefit.\u201d To paraphrase, using the prior examples from work, love, and art: \u201cIf you need help at work, ask for it. You risk looking like you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re doing, but you and your team will perform better.\u201d \u201cBe the first in a relationship to say, \u2018I love you.\u2019 You risk rejection, but otherwise you\u2019ll have a deeper relationship.\u201d \u201cShare your struggles in your writing. People may laugh at you, but your words will help others.\u201d To be clear, I think these actions can be wise. But I don\u2019t believe they\u2019re objectively vulnerable, and you don\u2019t have to make vulnerability a goal \u2013 and maybe you shouldn\u2019t make vulnerability a goal \u2013 to catalyze these actions. These are all cases to \u201cbe vulnerable and benefit.\u201d To be vulnerable is to be open to harm. If you ultimately benefit from an action, were you vulnerable \u2013 were you open to harm \u2013 in the first place? Is it vulnerability if it needs boundaries? Some might say, Well, you don\u2019t know the outcome of these actions in advance, so you\u2019re risking harm by taking them. Yet anyone who speaks intelligently about vulnerability rightly says it should come with boundaries. A CEO shouldn\u2019t freak out about the potential fate of the company, in front of employees and shareholders. You shouldn\u2019t spend your first date complaining about your ex. You shouldn\u2019t share your struggles with depression in writing a user manual for a Bluetooth speaker. Too much vulnerability is oversharing. So, according to the movement, vulnerability should be a calculated risk, one you\u2019re likely to benefit from, and one that isn\u2019t likely to ruin you. Don\u2019t seek vulnerability, seek ideals It seems to me the case being made for vulnerability is in pursuit of important ideals, including but not limited to truth, security, and alignment. The more we\u2019re honest at work, the more effective we can be in an efficient marketplace. The more we share our feelings in our relationships, the more secure we feel. The more of our true selves we put into our art, the more it resonates with others. \u201cFear\u201d is the word you\u2019re looking for I think a better term for what we experience in pursuit of these ideals is \u201cfear.\u201d Fear is a feeling of discomfort in the face of perceived danger. Fear can be irrational. The perceived danger can be entirely in your head. Some people experience fear just looking at a spider that has no chance of physically harming them. Some people experience fear looking at birds. Valid vulnerability isn\u2019t the type being promoted I\u2019ve ventured into unfamiliar territory thinking about vulnerability and putting together this critique. I found many areas where truly being vulnerable resulted in benefits, such as in combat, activism, and workplace inclusion. True vulnerability, it seems, is the product of power, and people sometimes have to be vulnerable to dissolve that power. These areas are outside the scope of this short critique. Besides, I haven\u2019t come across much chatter in the vulnerability movement that makes cases for vulnerability in these valid areas. But aren\u2019t I a \u201cvulnerable\u201d writer? One area I am very familiar with is creative work. Some readers have described some of my work as \u201cvulnerable.\u201d I\u2019ve written about the death of my mother, the death of a lover, and published a conversation about grief. I\u2019ve listed my failures and published my private doubts in my pursuit of a career as a writer. I\u2019ve written about my health struggles in graphic detail, and shared my struggles with moving to another country. I\u2019ve been publicly reporting my income for years, starting when it was even less-impressive than it is now. I\u2019m further critiquing vulnerability in this article, even though I got angry emails in response to my short newsletter on the topic. Was I, am I, vulnerable in creating these things? I don\u2019t think so. Am I risking physical harm? Not likely. Economic harm? I don\u2019t think so. Emotional harm? That\u2019s not up to someone else to decide. What looks like \u201cvulnerability\u201d is \u201cantifragility\u201d Have I ever felt vulnerable writing these things? In retrospect, I guess I did. More accurately, I felt fear. Because I was not vulnerable. I benefitted greatly writing these things. I grew, and got to know myself. I found my voice and got closer to doing work that comes from my core. It was all real and came from an authentic place, but I grew my business in the process. I took calculated risks, and I got better at calculating along the way. I thought that by writing public income reports, I would improve my thought processes and grow my business \u2013 I did. I thought that having a public conversation about grief would help me live with it \u2013 it has. I thought that by writing about my mysterious health issues, readers would send me ideas that would help me get better \u2013 they did. I\u2019m not claiming to be Galileo or Harvey Milk, which is kind of the point \u2013 their work made them objectively vulnerable. But I know I\u2019ve never set out to deliberately be vulnerable. I\u2019ve set out to face fears, because I believed they were irrational. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being scared. What once felt like fear morphed into excitement to see what would happen \u2013 to see if this action would take me closer to truth, security, and alignment. Vulnerability as a boundary, not a beacon Now that I\u2019ve been at it a long time, if I were to feel vulnerable, I would see that as a boundary, not a beacon. That would be a warning sign that I\u2019m oversharing, and needlessly putting myself in danger. That\u2019s one problem with espousing the pursuit of a subjective feeling: Being afraid is not the same as being vulnerable. The more experienced you get \u2013 in work, love, or art \u2013 the more adeptly you can recognize when you really are vulnerable, and decide it\u2019s a good idea to stop. Performative vulnerability is a slippery slope When I wrote about this in my newsletter, some readers said they had been in communities where appearing vulnerable became a sort of contest. People seemed to be oversharing just to outdo one another. That\u2019s another problem with espousing the pursuit of a subjective feeling: If vulnerability is the goal \u2013 whether that\u2019s being, feeling, or appearing vulnerable \u2013 you incentivize vulnerability. The definitions and the actions fitting those definitions tumble over one another down a very slippery slope. Vulnerability can be a productive lie Sometimes we tell ourselves productive lies. You can commit to working for ten minutes, knowing you\u2019ll keep going once you\u2019ve reached that goal. You can give yourself permission to suck \u2013 notice that\u2019s \u201cpermission,\u201d not \u201cdirective\u201d \u2013 knowing you\u2019ll improve or do better than you had expected. Maybe the pursuit to feel vulnerable is a productive lie. It teaches you to face your irrational fears. But at some point you hopefully grow beyond vulnerability \u2013 where feeling vulnerable is a sign of danger. There are cases where danger \u2013 true vulnerability \u2013 is worth the risk, but that\u2019s only because the ideals you\u2019re pursuing are worth that much. What looks like vulnerability is a byproduct, not a goal Choosing your actions with vulnerability as a goal is like building a boat designed to splash water. Boats splash water because they\u2019re traveling to a destination. You feel or even are vulnerable in the pursuit of something more important. A boat designed to splash water won\u2019t travel as efficiently as a boat designed to go somewhere. I believe that a person designing their actions to feel vulnerable won\u2019t be as effective as a person driven to pursue an ideal. That\u2019s what lies beyond vulnerability. Image: Error on Green, Paul Klee Thank you for having me on your podcasts! Thank you for having me on your podcasts. Thank you to Brilliant Miller at The School for Good Living podcast. As always, you can find interviews of me on my interviews page. About Your Host, David Kadavy David Kadavy is author of Mind Management, Not Time Management, The Heart to Start and Design for Hackers. Through the Love Your Work podcast, his Love Mondays newsletter, and self-publishing coaching David helps you make it as a creative. Follow David on: Twitter Instagram Facebook YouTube Subscribe to Love Your Work Apple Podcasts Overcast Spotify Stitcher YouTube RSS Email Support the show on Patreon Put your money where your mind is. Patreon lets you support independent creators like me. Support now on Patreon \u00bb       Show notes: http:\/\/kadavy.net\/blog\/posts\/beyond-vulnerability\/ ","author_name":"Love Your Work","author_url":"http:\/\/kadavy.net\/blog\/archive\/love-your-work\/","html":"