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Why Self-Abandonment Fuels Burnout (with Lolita Guarin)
50-hour work weeks, saying yes to every extra project, and a constant fear of being fired: that's what burnout looked like for Lolita Guarin, right up until the day the stress finally won and she collapsed on her own kitchen floor. She'd moved to the US from Lithuania to chase her American dream, and she did all the things you're supposed to do: journaling, meditation, yoga, better time management. Her health improved. But something still felt unfinished, and she didn't find out what until she read a book about adult children of alcoholics and thought, wait, that's me. Lolita is a stress management coach, and in this conversation she explains what "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) really means, and why you don't need a parent who drinks to grow up in a dysfunctional home; any environment where your emotional needs went unmet can leave the same imprint. We talk about self-abandonment (what it actually looks like when you skip the gym because a guru told you to "push through," or when you're still calling your mom for approval in your thirties), and why Lolita insists boundaries with yourself have to come before boundaries with anyone else. If burnout has ever left you wondering why doing "all the right things" still wasn't enough, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EEucQizP60 In this episode Why yoga, meditation, and time management, Lolita's "leisure things," didn't fix what was actually wrong What "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) really means, and why you don't need an alcoholic parent to have grown up in a dysfunctional home The difference between abandoning other people and abandoning yourself, and how people-pleasing is a form of self-abandonment Why boundaries with yourself have to come before boundaries with anyone else How to forgive a parent who's still behaving badly, without letting them back into your life unconditionally The "write down your achievements" exercise Lolita uses with clients who don't feel like they're enough Timestamps (00:04) Welcome and guest intro: meet Lolita Guarin, stress management coach (01:58) Chasing the American dream, and burnout that ended in collapsing on her kitchen floor (01:58) Why "leisure things" like yoga and journaling didn't fix what was actually wrong (06:19) Discovering she grew up an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), and what that term actually means (09:32) "Stop abandoning yourself": what self-abandonment looks like day to day (17:37) Growing up with a narcissistic parent, and calling her mom for approval well into her 30s (20:06) The achievements-list exercise Lolita uses with clients who don't feel "enough" (23:31) How forgiving her parents, without excusing them, changed her relationship with them (25:50) What to do when a parent's dysfunction never stopped, even into your adult years (34:26) Where to find Lolita Guarin, her website, and her books on stress management About Lolita Guarin Lolita Guarin is a stress management coach who moved to the US from Lithuania about two decades ago. She's the author of books on stress management, including one for adult children of alcoholics and one focused specifically on workplace stress, "Crush Stress While You Work." Learn more at BeAmazingYou.com, or find her books: Stress Management for ACOA and Crush Stress While You Work. Favorite quotes "Stop abandoning yourself." —Lolita Guarin "Setting boundaries with yourself is knowing who you truly are. And then you can set boundaries with other people." —Lolita Guarin "You can take the horse to the river, but you cannot make them drink it." —Lolita Guarin Resources mentioned BeAmazingYou.com: Lolita's website, with free worksheets Lolita's book on stress management for ACOA Lolita's book on workplace stress, "Crush Stress While You Work" The achievements-list exercise, adapted from a Jack Canfield book, that Lolita uses with clients Related episodes How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: more on catching burnout before it becomes a kitchen-floor moment How Your Survival Brain is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the survival-brain wiring behind the people-pleasing Lolita describes People-Pleasing and the Sticky Rope: a deeper look at the self-abandonment habit at the center of this episode Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz
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